How to Make the Difficult Conversations Easier

Most of the things we achieve in our professional and personal lives come about because of conversations. Some of the conversations we have as leaders, colleagues, partners or parents come easier (almost effortless), whilst others we agonise over and often avoid. It might be giving someone some feedback, asking for help, asking for a change in behaviour or negotiating an improvement in our current conditions (remuneration, position, interest rate, etc.).

The problem with those conversations that we never quite get around to having is that the ‘need to do it’ lingers in the back of our brain, builds in intensity and (even if at a subconscious level) interferes with our sleep. The longer we leave it, the harder it seems and the more effort is required.

Preparation = Relationship + Magnitude

The amount we need to prepare for that conversation is directly related to the quality of the relationship we have and the magnitude of the issue. The worse the relationship and the more significant the issue, the more you need to prepare.

“People almost never change without first feeling understood.”

Tips for Making Conversations Easier

If there is a conversation you have been putting off, try these tips to help make it easier and get it done:

1. Check your Excuses – we are very good at coming up with a range of reasons why we don’t do it (“I don’t want to make it worse”, “I’m waiting for the right time”, etc). Whilst these all might be valid, they only serve to delay the conversation. Ask yourself: “What excuse am I using now to get out of having the conversation I need to have?” Framing the question that way and labelling your reasons as “excuses” makes it easier to overcome them.
2. Check your Intent – this is particularly important if you are seeking to give someone feedback or ask for a change in behaviour. Sometimes we use frustration or anger (“the last straw”) as a motivator to have the conversation. Ask yourself “am I doing this out of anger or spite?”; “am I seeking to punish?”. If the answer is yes, then now is not the right time to have that conversation. Breathe and reframe.
3. Check your Needs – When we put off a conversation because of concerns about damaging a relationship or upsetting someone else, we invariably dishonour our own needs. Do this for too long and we become resentful. Effective conversations are ones that seek to balance the needs of both.
4. Plan your Approach – This involves the right time, the right location and how you will start your conversation.
5. Breathe – Going into a conversation that we anticipate will be awkward or difficult produces a whole range of chemical reactions in our body that increases the feeling of pressure, anxiety and stress (think “flight/fight”). Take 5 minutes before going in to slow and deepen your breathing and ground yourself. You will think clearer and perform better
6. Be Curious – Adopting a mindset of ‘curiosity’ can really help change the whole nature of the conversation. If you are unhappy with certain behaviours being displayed by someone else, instead of going in to judge, try approaching it with a “I wonder why that is happening” mentality. It will completely open up the conversation
7. Check for Understanding – a mistake a lot of people make is finishing a conversation and assuming the other person is crystal clear on exactly what is expected or agreed to. Always finish by checking that their understanding is consistent with your intent.

Remember:

“When we avoid challenging conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction”